How to get support from a peer or partner

I have spent years now, coaching people through improvements in their eating, drinking and exercise habits. And a common complaint I hear is when people are trying to change, but their partner/housemate/work colleague/best friend is not on board and subconsciously “sabotage” things. This can be in a number of ways, including:

• Eating restricted foods in front of them
• Constantly offering restricted foods to them
• Telling them they can “miss exercise just this once”…

Having an important person in our lives supporting us, helping us and keeping us accountable, gives our chances of success a huge boost. Because of this, it is worth putting some effort in getting them on our side.

But I have found that, for one reason or another, few of us actually talk to these people to get them on our side.

Using the following framework makes it much more likely the other person will do what you ask of them. Unless we actually talk to them and ask, they don’t know what we want.

Always remember…

They are not mind readers!

Explain why

Talk to your friends, family and important people around you.
Explain why you are trying to change your lifestyle for the better. For example:

• “I’m not happy with how my life is currently, and feel this can make me happier.”
• “I am at risk of developing illnesses, and this is my “medicine” to treat it.”
• “I am worried about missing out on my grandchildren/ children growing up and it is important to me that I’m there for them as they grow up.”
• “I had a scare at the doctors this week and want to change my life for the better.”
• “I feel more awake, am more productive and my back feels better after I’ve been active.”

If you don’t explain clearly why, they won’t know. Because remember, they are not a mind reader.

Explain what

Explain what you are trying to do. For example:

• “I am changing what I am eating, so will be having different things than normal.”
• “I am going to be more active and doing more exercise. So I will be in different places, doing different things than what you are used to.”
• “I’ll be experimenting with these actions for a few weeks, finding out which ones work/don’t work for me.”

If you don’t explain clearly what you want to do differently, they won’t know. Because remember, they are not a mind reader.

Explain how

Explain how they can help you with little to no effort on their part. For example:

• “Although it’s really kind of you, it would be really helpful if you didn’t offer me those sugary treats.”
• “When we meet next, could you ask me how I have done and not accept an excuse from me.”
• “I’m not asking you to eat the same things as me, but could you avoid eating/drinking my trigger foods in front of me?”
• “It helped me so much when you encouraged/praised/noticed me that time I was struggling.”
• “Thank you so much, but I don’t want that sugary treat. I’ve already had some, it tasted great but I’ve had enough now.”

If you don’t explain clearly how you want them to help you, they won’t know. Because remember, they are not a mind reader.

Ask for their opinion

People are much more likely to do what you want if they feel a part of it. So try asking them what they think of your plan and your request to help. For example:

• “So do you think I’ll succeed if you did that for me?”
• “Do you mind helping me in this way? I would feel so much more confident with you by my side.”
• “Can you think of any other ways you could help me?”

But don’t forget:

“Although it’s always good to listen to advice, only you know if you should actually take it”.

In summary

Like all things in life, there are no guarantees that having “The Talk” above will work perfectly, first time. But honestly, give it a try. The potential rewards are so valuable, it’s well worth the effort.